Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
50% drunk capacity currently
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
