hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
