i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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