just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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