How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
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So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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