i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
