last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
