I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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