I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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