So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
