Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
