My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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