Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
