This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Randomize
