i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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