so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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