I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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