I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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