i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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