he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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