Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
