my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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