I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
