Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
