Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
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Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
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Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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