ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
