People in love make me want to vomit
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
