There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
