Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Is it penis luge time yet?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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