two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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