No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
