I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
