i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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