I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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