One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
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oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
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Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.