God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.