my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH