I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
