1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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