i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
