I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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