just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
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So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
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Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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