I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
