Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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