Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i now understand why vodka
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
