Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
