On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
