Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
