Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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