Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
