Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
