you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
