I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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