I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
