I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
