fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Randomize
